The Worthless Sermon
I think I’ve made it pretty clear that I’m not afraid to say shocking things on this blog. This post is no exception. The fact is, many of you don’t think there is such a thing as a worthless sermon. Some of you are still under the impression that if you get nothing from the message, somehow the blame never falls on the speaker, but curiously always falls on YOU! Why is it that we consider the idea of a worthless sermon unthinkable? The reason is simple: because your preacher said so.
Yep, that’s right. The person who is delivering the worthless sermon tells you that if you aren’t blown away with the depth of the sermon, then you’re a bad Christian. Kinda messed up, huh?
Notwithstanding the argument over the existence of the worthless sermon, I’m going to attempt to outline just how one could go about preparing a worthless sermon. If you’re quick, you’ll catch the heavy sarcasm in these statements. If you’re slow, well, then you’ll probably send me an email telling me to have fun in hell. Either way, enjoy.
Number 1: Don’t prepare. That’s right, just go from memory. Notes are evil, and outlines just distract you from those fun little rabbit trails that everybody likes to hear so much.
Number 2: Don’t have a goal in mind for your sermon. Just pick a verse and go. I mean, how can we expect the Holy Spirit to give guidance if we have the audacity to plan for what we want the people to take away from the service?
Number 3: Forget about application. Just avoid it at all costs. However, if you must try and apply your message to our lives, just pull something together when you realize that you’ve used up all your time. Predetermined applications can’t be of God, so you should always make them up as you go.
Number 4: Make sure you always teach. Surgeon’s thoughts on a verse are always relevant. In fact, attempt to fit 3 hours worth of material into 1 hour. Forget about being better Christians, we just want to leave knowing more stuff.
Number 5: If you must preach on sin, always preach on the important stuff like which translations to use and what kind of music to listen to. I mean, people just don’t struggle with lying, bitterness, lust, and giving anymore. Oh, and if possible, always preach on the sins of other churches while making it clear that you know that THIS church doesn’t have a problem with that.
Number 6: If the message is getting dull, just start to preach louder! People love it when you use the same technique to get their attention, so just keep doing the same things.
Number 7: If the crowd gets a little quiet, just remember to mention the KJV or make fun of Pentecostals. That always gets ‘em going.
Number 8: Complain about how bad life is right now, and how good it’s going to be in heaven. The old folks love it. Who cares about the fact that the young people still have 50 years of living to do, just ignore them. They just want to take over your church anyway.
Number 9: Tell the old folks all the body parts that won’t hurt anymore when they die, watch them get excited and cry, then claim it was “the Spirit” moving in our midst. If the young people don’t seem excited, then they’re probably not spiritual anyway so don’t worry about it. They’re probably just going to go home and fornicate either way.
Number 10: Illustrations that made sense in the 70’s still make sense today, so keep using them. References to the Beta-Max vs. VHS battle are especially relevant and really help points stick. Oh, and be sure to disconnect yourself from reality as much as possible. Feel free to suggest that people not buy a house because debt is a sin. Who cares if they take you seriously?
Number 11: Illustrations using current events are wrong. In fact, any church that uses them must be either Pentecostal or liberal, one of the two.
Number 12: Calling your sermon “Old Fashioned” is a good thing. Do so as often as possible. It’s extremely attractive and people will drive for hours to hear it. God will take your “Old Fashioned” sermon and use it in modern day life…somehow.
Number 13: Don’t tell personal stories. Instead, tell stories the former pastor of the church told. That’s much more identifiable. The old folks love it, and the young people can just find another church.
Number 14: Be sure to remind everyone how good of a message it was that they were hearing. To reinforce it, tell the people that they won’t get this kind of preaching anywhere else. Oh and be sure to use at least 15% of your time doing so. After all, how can the people know they’re hearing a good message unless you tell them?
Number 15: Ignore the fact that no one ever makes any decisions under your preaching. If no one ever comes to know Christ or gets convicted of sin, it sure as heck ain’t your fault.
There you go. 15 things you can do to be sure your sermon is worthless. Obviously, you don’t have to do all 15 to have a worthless sermon. You can pick and choose from this list however you’d like, but you’ll still get to the same goal. I hope everyone enjoyed it.
Nathan
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This rings home for me, even as an atheist; not just from my experiences as a Boy Scout having to sit through awful Presbyterian services, but even from the former minister of the Unitarian Society my family attends. He was a nice guy with some good ideas, but his ’sermons’ were a snore fest.
I think it hits home among most anyone who has to sit through a speech, religious or not. The point is, if you have a goal or a purpose to your speech, then you should do everything you can to keep your audience’s attention in order for them to GET THE POINT.
Great comment!
Ha! Ha! Have fun in hell, pagan-boy! Just kidding!
Hey, great points and all true. I was a little worried about how I would measure up being a young pastor (age 34), but I think I passed! Yea! I find that doing expository preaching that makes sure you have a main point or “big idea” with points that support it is a huge help! Once I have that, the direction of my message is set and those rabbit trails are ignored (no matter how intertesting they might be) because I know to keep the main thing the main thing. My decisions are never what to say but what not do say because so much could be said on any given passage. A focused main point helps with that tremendously. Personally, I don’t really understand how a pastor or anyone who speaks publically can do without it…but they do and the listeners often suffer for it.
Great comment Rob!
I think young pastors are great! I’m glad you got a kick out of the post. Most people who find it funny are one’s who have seen things like this happen first hand.
I like you point about setting a goal, and making sure that everything you say is used to accomplish that goal. Focused points are one of the most helpful things to keep oneself on target.
Thanks for visiting. I’m posting my Music Series: Part 3 either today or tomorrow.
Had to comment on this one, Nathan! (I’d love to comment on all of them, but I don’t have enough time!)It’s been a very LONG time since I sat through one of these worthless sermons you describe, and I’m having nightmarish flashbacks! Yep, I remember that behavior, and it is absolutely reprehensible. How can these pastors be so deluded, and how can their pitiful congregations be satisfied with it…oh yeah, wait, wouldn’t this be what’s described as “tickling the ears”? Sad…and scary. Thanks for speaking the truth.
Don’t forget the uniforms that allow you to know who is who in case you can’t figure it out for yourself and remind you that it’s a fat chance you might meet anyone like that on the outside.
Pro 1:20 Wisdom crieth without; she uttereth her voice in the streets:
1 Cor 2:16 For who hath known the mind of the Lord, that he may instruct him? But we have the mind of Christ.
Absurd?
Richard,
Although the “uniforms” aren’t necessarily a part of a worthless sermon, they are indeed an example of a church that is pretty worthless.
Speaking of which, I’m planning a post for the coming weeks called “The Worthless Church” that will be in the same vein that this post was, offering similarly humorous and sarcastic examples of how to accomplish a “worthless church”.
Should be fun!!!
Nathan,
Good stuff. I’m new here and found my way over from the Mayberry Blog. I just had to read this article as I’m sure after 30 yeas of preaching sermons I have preached a few worthless ones. Praise the Lord for His forgiveness and how His Spirit points those out at the right times.
I now travel and consult churches and as must as I would hope that pastors coming out of seminary would have been better trained in preaching and holding people’s attention while also teaching them the Word, I’m afraid that most of what you said in your article is the norm. Sad…but true. God help me to help them see this.
Andy,
That sounds like a fantastic ministry!