The Worthless Church
A while back, I wrote a post called “The Worthless Sermon“, which I also posted at Monday Morning Insight. I got a lot good feedback from that post, and I wanted to follow up with something equally as sarcastic, and equally as pointed. The fact is, there are far too many preachers preaching worthless sermons, and there are far too many worthless churches.
I’m not sure how a church becomes worthless. Maybe it’s lethargy, maybe there’s “sin in the camp” … who knows? If you’ve ever wanted to make your church worthless, here are 10 easy steps to take to ensure you accomplish your goal:
1. Let Sunday services be an afterthought.
Those of us who don’t work at the church just LOVE feeling like we are a necessary evil in order to keep the “other ministires” going.
2. Pastors — preach on witnessing and evangelism, but never do it yourself.
We love challenges! And we love tough challenges even more. There’s nothing more challenging that to obey a hypocrite!
3. Don’t actually worship God in your singing.
We’d much rather worship “heaven” and “old time religion”. For an even better experience, only sing songs that refer to God in words like “thee” and “thou”, and when using verbs, we much prefer things like “art” and “doest” and “loveth”. Surely God is impressed with our ability to speak a completely different language when we “worship” Him. I mean, who wants real worship when there are perfectly good templates to use?
4. If at all possible, make me sing with my nose in a book.
After all, sound carries much better that way, right? Plus, we really don’t care about meaning what we say. We just want to read it to a tune and call it “worship”.
5. Use the stock bulletin paper from your local Christian Bookstore.
Then put important things in it like, the nursery schedule, a random quote from someone I’ve never heard of, birthdays, people that have died recently, etc. And for heaven’s sake, do NOT put an outline of the sermon in there!
6. Never theme your services!
Paul never themed his sermons, and that’s as good as a “thou shalt not…” in my book. I don’t care if it does help me retain the information! The Bible is silent on the issue, so it must be a sin!!!
7. Always stop in the middle of the service to take up an offering or make announcements.
It really helps with the flow, ya know?
8. Always tell me to come to the altar if I want to come to Christ.
Everyone knows that you simply cannot become a Christian from your seat. And if by some stroke of luck you do, we all know that coming to the front makes your conversion much more real. Plus, if I’m not willing to come forward, I’m probably not ready to make that kind of decision, right?
9. Make my kids sing hymns in children’s church.
Preferably something like this. (seriously, you NEED to listen to that link. Don’t you think your kids would have a blast at that church?)
10. Don’t spend a dime on a piece of technology.
God doesn’t need our feeble efforts to “help” him work in our services! Well, maybe He needs microphones, lights, running water, and climate control. I’m talking about “evil” technology like computers, screens, videos, etc. Yeah, God doesn’t need that stuff. Let me be clear, microphones and speakers = not sinful. Computers and screens = the handiwork of Satan. Make sense?
This is by no means a comprehensive list, and there are obvious things that go without saying like “never talk about Jesus” or “don’t be spirit-led”. So keep those comments to yourself please 
If you have any more tips on how to make your church worthless, feel free to leave them in the comments below. I’m looking forward to seeing what you guys have to say
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Nathan –
Generally, I appreciate the points you make here … we basically need to not assume that what we’re doing is right, simply because we’re doing it (or not doing it, in some cases!).
However, I have to take issue with this one: “9. Make my kids sing hymns in children’s church.”
My issue is primarily this: why, oh why, must we assume that children are of low intelligence or require some candy-coated version of Christianity? While there may well be a need for children-specific and -focused ministry, the ideal (yes, ideal … I realize that reality doesn’t always permit this) situation would be one in which the entire family worships together and comes to the services prepared for worshipping together and — together — studies out what has been taught and — together — enjoys the worship songs and, yes, hymns. Even (and maybe especially) where that’s not possible, special care ought to be given to ensure the kids don’t experience “religion” as an institution or a place they go on Sundays every so often that’s about lollipops and odd jingles — instead they should be given an opportunity to see, hear and understand (and hopefully, God willing, obey) the truth of the Gospel, in word, song and action.
Secondly, what if you applied similar logic to all forms of music and in other aspects of life? That is, because it was written years ago it must be stuffy, boring and old. Now don’t take me to mean that old=good. But sometimes, that is true. Think Bach, think Brahms, think Carter family, think Miles Davis, think Bill Monroe, think Hank Williams, think John Coltrane .. there are others that you can think of. These are “classics,” culture even. Stuff you need to at least be aware of and likely should appreciate on some level. What if we threw out these national and international treasures because they aren’t “what the kids are listening to these days” (which is what, by the way? I can’t keep up!) And you can apply that thinking to books (Hemmingway, John Bunyan, John Owens) clothing styles (suits & ties, collars), philosophy (rationalism, conservativism, liberalism) and even business (coupons, advertising) and administrative techniques (hierarchy, command/control).
Matthew,
Certainly we can’t think of churches dichotomously, but if you listen to that link, you can see my point. Should children be exposed to hymns? I understand we don’t want to assume children are stupid, but assuming the opposite is, in my opinion, far more dangerous. I don’t really see why children need to be exposed to hymns at an early age. More than likely they won’t appreciate or even understand them!
This is my personal philosophy, and I realize that, but in my opinion, church for children ought to be a stimulating environment. Certainly, they ought to be taught about the Gospel in a way they can understand, but in reality they are more likely to remember the lollipop than they are the lesson. But in the fortunate case they do, we must provide them with the truth … but in a way they can understand. But if you are going to sing songs like the ones in the recording I linked to, you are almost ensuring that they will not only fail to understand or retain any of it, but you also run the risk of making them hate church (and we wonder why there is an age gap at most churches).
As for your second point, heaven forbid!!! I love classics just as much as the next guy, and hymns too for that matter. But that doesn’t mean that I would ever force someone to like or appreciate them too. I doubt that’s even possible. Is there value in the old stuff? Absolutely! But is there equal value in the new? I believe there can be. If a church never chose to sing hymns, perhaps they are limiting themselves, but perhaps they know their congregation better than I do. It is indeed difficult to “keep up”, but the extra effort it takes could very well yield a return depending on the congregation.
I am NOT saying that churches should never play hymns, but I am saying that if a church chooses not to, provided they are doing it for a virtuous purpose, I can’t criticize them. I personally enjoy a contemporary arrangement of a good hymn. It actually helps me worship. But that may not be the case for the congregation at the church down the road, and they should be able to sing the songs that help them worship. If that means a doctrinally rich song, or a purely “you are glorious” song, so be it.
But back to the original point, children and hymns. I’m inclined to believe that they would probably do more damage than good. Even the best of sponges can only hold so much water. An overflow of information is no better than the right amount. I think we need to face the fact that children are different than us, and as such, require a different strategy to reach.
Correct me if I’m wrong though
I don’t mind 
1st let me say that the kid reading the Psalm at the beginning of that audio sounded EXACTLY like one of Ned Flanders’ kids from The Simpsons. It kinda creeped me out. Our dear friend Ingrid is providing a continuous stream of fodder for sarcasm these days…
11. Whatever you do, don’t make a fuss about worrying about child molesters sneaking into your Sunday School to teach.
It would be rude and intrusive to do background checks on your teachers, and it’s so inconvenient to parents to make them check their children in every Sunday. I mean, who are we kidding? What child molester would want to come to a church full of unprotected children of naive parents?
12. Always make visitors stand up in front of the church to introduce themselves and answer a question like, “If you were a fruit, what kind of fruit would you be and why?
Visitors don’t want to slip in the back and check things out at their own pace. They really prefer to have an entire room of weird strangers stare at them with Cheshire grins while they’re interviewed like they are applying for an FBI job.
Never make friends with heathens. Instead, do outreaches where you go door to door at supper time and yell at people in the comfort of their own living rooms. They love that.
Heathens don’t want friends. They want to be yelled at. People aren’t looking for relationships, belonging, meaning in life. They just want more knowledge ABOUT the truth. Who wants to EXPERIENCE it? After all, we’re not a bunch of left-wing hippies here!
When it comes to kids singing hymns or songs older than this decade (which is what most people mean when they say “hymns”), I do think it is valuable for them to know songs that date back farther than the last couple years. I love history, I appreciate heritage, and I think kids should at least be familiar with the songs that Christians have loved for decades. With that said, I believe there is a balance.
This year for Easter, I taught kids in grades 1-6 the old song “Christ Arose” (“up from the grave He arose”) We went through every line of the song and I explained it. I would tell them a line and ask them to tell me what it meant. Most kids had NO idea. (By the way, most of these kids go to church). We explained it, they learned it, and I actually heard kids humming it or singing it sometimes as I passed them. I love that! But, sometimes, kids just want to sing those little songs that teach very little doctrine. I’m sure not going to keep a kid from singing just because it’s not doctrinally deep. When it comes down to it, the way they will “see, hear, and understand the truth of the Gospel” best is by being taught like Deuteronomy says: “These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up.
Whatever songs we sing with them, they’ve got to see our own love for Jesus overflowing out of everything we do whether it’s “Father Abraham” or “When I Survey the Wondrous Cross.” They’ve got to be taught at every opportunity why we sing and who it’s for.
I think it’s the teaching of hymns to the exclusion of all else that is wrong. Why do some insist on elevating hymns to near-scripture status as though they came from the very mouths of angels on the Mount of Transfiguration? This is the attitude that makes so many children grow up believing that church (and therefore God) is boring.
Treat modern styles and historical styles with the same value and you will end up with kids that are balanced and fun all at the same time.
careful. Us Christian Bookstore guys make $0.53 for every pack of 100 pre-packaged bulletins we sell to churches. You’re drastically cutting out my cash flow and I’m deeply insulted you think that we would ever sell a sub-standard product in the name of Jesus.
Wait, can’t say that either.
Great post. We fight all the time on #7 (well you gotta do it somewhere). #9 is right on. I’m a firm believer that the post-modern culture wants to be involved in the older culture. They just want things done in a post-modern way. Look at the number of classic movies remade. Oceans 11-13, Psycho, Hills Have Eyes. Old movies are resurrected every month in Hollywood. Same with TV Shows (Dukes of Hazzard, Transformers) being done to movies. The younger culture will adapt to it, they just want it done in a younger way.
Musically, HYMNS have actually been very popular in the Christian market. But the hot-selling CDs are groups like Passion that redo the HYMNS to a younger generation.
I firmly believe that Hymns have a place. But spare the pipe organ. Find a new way to present Biblical truth.